Ars Poetica: Apology

After “ars poetica” by Danez Smith

What I’m sorry for: biting my nails and letting myself taste the dirt I spent hours clawing at in hopes of finding something meaningful from all of my labors. What I’m sorry for: hugging my belly and enjoying the push back, for tracing my stretch marks and being glad they’re not bars holding back whatever is deep within myself, even though I won’t take my shirt off at the pool. What I’m sorry for: pulling my ponytail so I’m always held back, always the last to cross the street, always the last to be hit by a bus, always the last to look the driver in the eyes and remember the time we nearly got into a fight about whether or not anyone would pay to read the epigraph on your tombstone if it was clever enough. What I’m sorry for: thinking that there is a point to my fingernails, for my belly, for my hair, for thinking that they can be symbols or ideas to bring forth something deep within, to not be things to be left behind on a bus like a little boy’s Spider-Man action figure. What I’m sorry for: trying to find the poetry in my apologies when I’m not even sure if anyone is willing to accept them.