exploding head syndrome

i dreamt it was a butt dial but i stayed on the horn, missed it all bad, heard you talk about me to someone who wasn’t me so i couldn’t stop watching, and i’m sorry i like being talked about, that it feels more intimate than being talked to, and that has to be my fault, and when i google third person kink no one else means quite what i do

i dreamt we forgave each other, quietly, and i guess that should have been what took me out of it. you and me down by the river–leaning against willows, all of it in slow motion, and in my dream i may have written a better poem, because it was real, which is also contrived, fuck, but the old movie theater was still there, the dead mall, alive, the colors, vibrant– they say our cones age as we do, and so maybe they still are but we’re none the wiser–

i don’t mind syrupy, not when it’s you. i wasn’t scared of you, and you weren’t scared of anything. no explaining that away. no intellectualizing the way your voice wasn’t yours but your face was. did you look at me they say to write these things down immediately since they fade they’re so good at making you think they never will–art imitating life– that you’ll be suspended in this world forever

i ate the supermarket sample, crunched the almond between my teeth, let the woman with the tongs call me a breathy baby, static dancing up the brain stem doesn’t stop, crosses between realms, shattering when and i hear the knock at the door, when it wakes me up, when it echoes through my brain, a deep tapping, hollow–alone, i wake up sapsucking, wanting nothing but to go back, not one for meditation, always one for the kind of peace that has to be beat into you while you’re out cold

i think i was meant to be born in a litter, if anything, but who has space for two of me? i wake up and my mind wants one thing silverware on glass. clear as day i keep drifting off instead of archiving you like a good girl as if the stakes aren’t what they are, that i could return on a whim– days like this it’s impossible to look away i hope you never crash your car for both of our sakes.