Pineapple Old Fashioned Fuck Off

You’ll need bourbon, pineapple simple syrup, aromatic bitters, and a wedge of fresh pineapple for garnish. Gather up your judgmental holier-than-thou attitude and your condescending moral superiority, you’ll need those close at hand to muddle into the drink. The pineapple simple syrup is anything but – you can use the parts of the fruit that you’d normally discard, like the core or the rind. Again, don’t discard the emotional core, you dismissive bitch. Let the heat and the sugar do their work, distilling the pineapple into a concentrated sweetness. Macerate my self-worth with sharp saccharine shards of sugar. In a glass half filled with ice, add the spirits and simple syrup; gently stir. Try not to bruise the bourbon. Slap on a garnish to make it classy. Make it look like you actually give a fuck.

I’m not bitter.

It’s the Angostura.